Caffeine and Depression

 As a person who had depression in the past, I often dealt with the following thoughts/symptoms  

1. Questioning why I had to complete day to day tasks 

2. Questioning the purpose of life - What was I supposed to do with life 

3. Wondering why I had not achieved much in life - will I ever really become something 

4. Loss of interest in my hobbies, which included research, reading literature, running 

5. A deep sense of discontent- I had not done much with my life 

6. Disturbed sleep - because i feel I hadnt done enough in the day

Nothing inherently was wrong with my life. I was in university, studying, making some income. My matters back at home were a bit disturbing, but it wasn't something I couldn't deal with. 

I often grappled with the idea that I had not achieved much in life, that I was settling with mediocrity. I often found myself questioning why I should do anything. Even questioning why I should get out of bed in the morning. The lack of energy in my body was a continous struggle. I felt I had to drag myself to do basic things, like putting my clothes away, heating food, driving the car. My room was a mess. I questioned everything- what is the meaning of this all, and what am I doing here. My line of work did not give me the sense of fulfillment I needed. I couldn't focus on tasks- I wondered why I should do them at all. 

These thoughts can come up in a normal person's mind. However, in a normal person, the thoughts are safely shut away after thinking for a little while. The healthy brain says: mitti pao. Close this chapter. Get it over with, and go on with life. Then the person goes to work, talks with friends, does their makeup, listens to music and just try to enjoy life in whatever way possible. 

At the time I was dealing with depression in my early twenties, I was taking my highest dose of caffeine. I needed the boost provided by my 5-6 cups of coffee. Although they gave me palpitations, heartburn and anxiety, I was now concerned with deadlines, completed tasks on time, and was able to focus. I found a sense of accomplishment in the tasks I completed. I would feel interested in what I was studying. I was able to look at the sky and appreciate it's colour- I enjoyed the scent of the earth- simple matters I had walked past and couldn't appreciate before. I completed the book I had started reading. I talked with friends in a more animated manner- people were more willing to talk to me, and I had someone to have breakfast with when I came to cmh early in the mornings. When I was low, unable to make much conversation, I often found myself alone. My company was hardly enjoyable. Whenever I had my low phases, people questioned why I was upset, or what was wrong. I wasn't upset- I was simply being myself- my uncaffeinated version which was not so fun to be around.

When I took my medication for depression, I drank less coffee. I could feel a sense of purpose I had missed for so long, I had energy, I experienced the gentle touch of joy in the environment around me- the rays of sunlight, the smell of wet earth, the glistening red bricks of CMH Lahore. I felt less anxious about my achievements - they didn't matter, and I wasn't bothered. I felt focused in my routine tasks at school.

Coffee was not only a drink I enjoyed. As a 21 year old, depressed, exhausted and struggling with phases of very little energy- I was still putting up a fight. I was fighting my brain, which seemed hijacked. The 5-6 cups of coffee, and sometimes more, were a means of self medication- a way to feel more connected to life. Sometimes coffee was the only reason I wanted to wake up and get out of bed. That, and the fear of failure, and a deep dislike for some people who were doing better than me apparently- but that is a whole other topic for another time.

 Caffeine provided the sliver of motivation I needed to push through everyday. It provided a thin window of opportunity to appreciate life, despite my mind having betrayed me. Those early morning in winter, I might have looked all sophisticated in my coat and sipping a hot drink, but my mind was akin to a train wreck. I was fighting the symptoms of a condition I did not yet know I had. I still loved life, and wanted to feel joy. Caffeine was the socially acceptable way to do this.

I realized there were also other factors that contributed to depression, some of which were low iron and vitamin D levels. Unfortunately, I wasnt aware of it until much later. Now I have my one to two cups, and feel alright- I know I have given stress to my heart that it didn't deserve. My cardiac tissue deserved better in the last half of a decade.